What Is Domestic Violence?

Domestic Abuse occurs when one person in an intimate relationship or marriage tries to dominate and control the other person. This abuse occurs among heterosexual couples and in same-sex partnerships. Except for the gender difference, domestic abuse doesn’t discriminate.

It happens within all age ranges, ethnic backgrounds, and financial levels. The abuse may occur during a relationship , while the couple is breaking up, or after the relationship has ended. Domestic violence is not due to the abuser’s loss of control over his behavior.

It is not always easy to determine in the early stages of a relationship if one person will become abusive. Domestic violence intensifies over time. Abusers may often seem wonderful and perfect initially, but gradually become more aggressive and controlling as the relationship continues.

It is important to note that domestic violence does not always manifest as physical abuse. It is carried out in various forms. Emotional and psychological abuse can often be just as extreme as physical violence. Lack of physical violence does not mean the abuser is any less dangerous to the victim, nor does it mean the victim is any less trapped by the abuse.

Types Of Abuse

Emotional/Verbal/Mental

  • Name calling

  • Put downs

  • Threats to suicide

  • Threats to spread rumours

  • Blaming the other person

  • Constant accuse of cheating

Physical

  • Hitting

  • Grabbing

  • Pushing

  • Shaking

  • Restraining

  • Blocking Exits

  • Throwing Items

  • Using Weapons

  • Stalking

Economic / Financial

  • Controlling the finances

  • Withholding money or credit cards

  • Giving you an allowance

  • Making you account for every penny you spend

  • Stealing from you or taking your money

  • Exploiting your assets for personal gain

  • Withholding basic necessities (food, clothes, medications, shelter)

  • Preventing you from working or choosing your own career.

  • Sabotaging your job (making you miss work, calling constantly)

Sexual

  • Ignoring partners sexual choices

  • Sexual assault

Tactics Of Abuse

Intimidation

Your abuser may use a variety of intimation tactics designed to scare you into submission.

Such tactics include: making threatening looks or gestures, smashing things in front of you, destroying property, hurting your pets, or putting weapons on display.

The clear message is that if you don’t obey, there will be violent consequences.

Denial & Blame

Abusers are very good at making excuses for the inexcusable.

They will blame their abusive and violent behavior on a bad childhood, a bad day, and even on the victims of their abuse.

Your abuser may minimize the abuse or deny that it occurred. He will commonly shift the responsibility onto you: Somehow, his violence and abuse is your fault.

Cycle of Violence

The cycle of abuse in domestic violence situations is a complex and recurring pattern characterized by distinct phases. It typically begins with a tension-building phase, marked by increased tension, arguments, and emotional turmoil within the relationship. This tension eventually escalates into the explosive phase, where physical, emotional, or verbal abuse occurs. Following this, there is often a honeymoon phase, during which the abuser may apologize, show remorse, and promise to change, leading the victim to hope for a better future. Unfortunately, this period of relative calm is short-lived, and the cycle restarts, with the tension-building phase resuming. This repetitive cycle traps victims in a seemingly never-ending cycle of abuse, making it difficult for them to break free and seek help. Understanding this cycle is crucial in providing support and resources to those affected by domestic violence.

  1. ABUSE
    The abuser lashes out with aggressive or violent behavior. The abuse is a power play designed to show the victim “who is boss.”

  2. GUILT
    After the abusive episode, the abuser feels guilt , but not over what he’s done to the victim. The guilt is over the possibility of being caught and facing consequences.

  3. RATIONALIZATION OR EXCUSES
    The abuser rationalizes what he’s done. He may come up with a string of excuses or blame the victim for his own abusive behavior, anything to shift responsibility from himself.

  4. BEHAVIOR
    The abuser does everything he can to regain control and keep the victim in the relationship. He may act as if nothing has happened, or he may turn on the charm. This peaceful honeymoon phase may give the victim hope that the abuser has really changed this time.

  5. FANTASY & PLANNING
    The abuser begins to fantasize about abusing his victim again, spending a lot of time thinking about what she’s done wrong and how he’ll make her pay. Then he makes a plan for turning the fantasy of abuse into reality.

  6. SET-UP
    The abuser sets up the victim and puts his plan in motion, creating a situation where he can justify abusing her.

What Does Abuse Include

Abuse may begin with behaviors that may easily be dismissed or downplayed such as name-calling, threats, possessiveness, or distrust. Abusers may apologize profusely for their actions or try to convince the person they are abusing that they do these things out of love or care. However, violence and control always intensifies over time with an abuser, despite the apologies. What may start out as something that was first believed to be harmless (e.g., wanting the victim to spend all their time only with them because they love them so much) escalates into extreme control and abuse (e.g., threatening to kill or hurt the victim or others if they speak to family, friends, etc.).

Some examples of abusive tendencies include but are not limited to:

  • Telling the victim that they can never do anything right

  • Showing jealousy of the victim’s family and friends and time spent away

  • Accusing the victim of cheating

  • Keeping or discouraging the victim from seeing friends or family members

  • Embarrassing or shaming the victim with put-downs

  • Controlling every penny spent in the household

  • Taking the victim’s money or refusing to give them money for expenses

  • Looking at or acting in ways that scare the person they are abusing

  • Controlling who the victim sees, where they go, or what they do

  • Dictating how the victim dresses, wears their hair, etc.

  • Stalking the victim or monitoring their victim’s every move
    (in person or also via the internet and/or other devices such as GPS tracking or the victim’s phone)

  • Preventing the victim from making their own decisions

  • Telling the victim that they are a bad parent or threatening to hurt, kill, or take away their children

  • Threatening to hurt or kill the victim’s friends, loved ones, or pets

  • Intimidating the victim with guns, knives, or other weapons

  • Pressuring the victim to have sex when they don’t want to or to do things sexually they are not comfortable with

  • Forcing sex with others

  • Refusing to use protection when having sex or sabotaging birth control

  • Pressuring or forcing the victim to use drugs or alcohol

  • Preventing the victim from working or attending school, harassing the victim at either, keeping their victim up all night so they perform badly at their job or in school

  • Destroying the victim’s property

What Happens When The Relationship Ends

Domestic violence does not always end when the victim escapes the abuser, tries to terminate the relationship, and/or seeks help. Often, it intensifies because the abuser feels a loss of control over the victim.

Abusers frequently continue to stalk, harass, threaten, and try to control the victim after the victim escapes. In fact, the victim is often in the most danger directly following the escape of the relationship or when they seek help: 1/5 of homicide victims with restraining orders are murdered within two days of obtaining the order; 1/3 are murdered within the first month.

Unfair blame is frequently put upon the victim of abuse because of assumptions that victims choose to stay in abusive relationships.

The truth is, bringing an end to abuse is not a matter of the victim choosing to leave; it is a matter of the victim being able to safely escape their abuser, the abuser choosing to stop the abuse, or others (e.g., law enforcement, courts) holding the abuser accountable for the abuse they inflict.

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If you are afraid and need help, reach out to us and let’s find a way! Your information is completely confidential and our sole aim is to help you.